What do you think, heart? I do notice you are beating like anything!

so, I've stopped posting on here, but I really, really need to sell some things.  so here's the rundown:

I really, really, need some money for France. these are the following things I am looking to sell, and I can't negotiate too much for the price.

1 tan leather couch + 1 tan leather loveseat (matching), fair condition: $200
DVDs:
The Sopranos, season 1: $25
The Sopranos, season 2: $25
The Sopranos, season 3: $25
The Sopranos, season 4: $25
The Sopranos, season 5: $25
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 1: $10
Quantum Leap, season 1: $20
Quantum Leap, season 2: $20
Silk Stalkings, season 1: $20
Silk Stalkings, season 2: $20
Miami Vice, season 1: $20
Dynasty, season 1: $15
Sweet Valley High, season 1: $15
The Facts of Life, seasons 1&2: $15
Seinfeld, seasons 1&2: $20
Seinfeld, season 3: $20
7th Heaven, season 1: $15
7th Heaven, season 2: $15
Murphy Brown, season 1: $15
Dawson's Creek, season 1: $15
Dawson's Creek, season 4: $20
Dawson's Creek, season 5: $20
The Net, WS: $5
Meet the Fockers, WS: $5
Along Came Polly, WS: $5
Fools Rush In, WS/FS: $5
Go, WS/FS: $5
The Sweetest Thing, WS/FS: $5
Intolerable Cruelty, WS: $5
Drop Dead Gorgeous, WS/FS: $5
9 to 5, WS: $5
Riding in Cars with Boys, WS: $5
My Big Fat Greek Wedding, WS/FS: $5
Ernest Goes to Camp, WS: $5
Ocean's Eleven, FS: $5
Ocean's Eleven, WS: $5
The Truth about Cats and Dogs, WS: $5
40 Days & 40 Nights, WS: $5
Vanilla Sky, WS: $5
The Mirror Has Two Faces, FS: $5
Kill Bill, vol. 1, WS: $5
Kill Bill, vol. 2, WS: $5
In Good Company, WS: $5

I also have some old tapes that I might need to get rid of for $1. most of my DVDs are in really good, mint even, condition. in general, I tried to take care of them, unless they were loaned out a lot, and the only things I loaned are FRIENDS and Sex and the City, and I'm not selling them. I have so much stuff mainly because I bought a lot when I lived in Missouri out of loneliness. in any case, now I could really use the money, and if you for some reason can't afford all of the The Sopranos right now, I can work out a payment plan, so long as I a. trust you and b. get paid before mid-September.

this is a weird forum to do this on, but I need money, and quick. I also need to get rid of stuff.

pax,
r

I get kind of bored easily.

I moved blogs, so people could comment (Brandon).

but mostly, I needed a change of scenery.  what I can't physically change right now (my surroundings), virtually I can change.

so go here:

http://onthenakedpage.blogspot.com/

sorry for the friends I have who use vox.
I still love you--and not on line.  for real.

xoxo

it's been a bad night.
and I might still post on here.
bye.

I keep trying to come up with a new plan for my life, especially this next year.  but it always goes back to thinking: "I wish I were going to France!"  I can't change it, though.  it's just a long-held dream, held during two years of my post-baccalaureate study, and pondered for the semester before that.  and for four years in high school, I pondered what it might be like to live in France for two years, somehow.  I suppose I need a new dream for now, but it's hard.  I'm afraid to wish and pray too hard for the other dreams that have popped up lately.  I was always afraid of that disappointment.

some current notes:
1. I stay up way too late.  usually until 3 a.m.
2. the job search is not going swimmingly.  at least, not for jobs around here.
3. here are some programs I have been thinking of:
www.nyctf.org
http://www.npr.org/about/jobs/intern/index.html (see "All Things Considered")
4. if anyone has any suggestions...
5. sushi has been brought to the masses.  so has Starbucks.
6. living at home at 25 is extremely hard, even if you love your family.
7. I hate cover letters.
8. the state government is a bit inept.  so is the federal.
9. I'm feeling unwanted, unintelligent, and unwise.
10. I owe a lot of money.
11. I'm glad I went to church this morning; the new church is Frankfort Alliance Church.  we talked about doubts and faith.
12. but I still miss Westminster and my family there.
13. pray for me?
14. I keep wishing it was last summer.  I need to stop living in the past: past countries, past experiences.  I just don't have much to look forward to this summer.
15. I really want to write, but I have no motivation right now.
16. and I'd like to get my thesis published...somehow.

xoxo

USA seems to be playing movies set in England in order to torture me today.  first Love Actually, now Notting Hill.  I miss England terribly, I miss Romania, and I wish I was back in last summer, no matter how everything turned out.  I hate job hunting.  I know I'll come through all of this, and I keep remembering Lewis' explanation in The Problem of Pain, but right now this stinks and I'm feeling pretty worthless.

oh well, at least there's the weird dirty guy who walks around in his underwear in Notting Hill.  he's good for a few laughs.

"...for he must confess to two of the oddest infirmities in the world: one was, that he had no idea of time; the other, that he had no idea of money. In consequence of which, he never kept an appointment, never could transact any business, and never knew the value of anything! Well! So he had got on in life, and here he was! He was very fond of reading the papers, very fond of making fancy-sketches with a pencil, very fond of nature, very fond of art. All he asked of society was, to let him life.  That wasn't much. His wants were few. Give him the papers, conversation, music, mutton, coffee, landscape, fruit in the season, a few sheets of Bristol-board, and a little claret, and he asked no more. He was a mere child in the world, but he didn't cry for the moon. He said to the world, 'Go your several ways in peace! Wear red coats, blue coats, lawn-sleeves, put pens behind your ears, wear aprons, go after glory, holiness, commerce, trade, any object you prefer; only--let Harold Skimpole live!'" -Charles Dickens. Bleak House.

sometimes I worry that I am turning into Harold Skimpole. there are so many really bad jobs out there.

today Ron's sermon was about Acts 16: when the Spirit of Jesus shut the door to Bithynia, and as a result, Paul preached to the Gentiles and Christianity spread across Europe and the world was changed.  and the thing is, I know Ron was right in drawing a parallel, except I'm not Paul and I don't think there will be quite so great a result.  I've wanted to blame this on the fact that I applied too late, but it's true: God is doing something here.  this is the second time the way to France has been closed.  last summer, I tried to go to France while I was in England, but I prayed, and I honestly felt God telling me no.  my friend Daniella felt the same thing in prayer.  so we didn't go.  and the supposed terrorists were caught a week and a half before I came home, a few short days before I was supposed to go to France, if I had gone.  all the flights from EasyJet were cancelled, so I couldn't have gone even if I wanted to.  and I didn't have to struggle for a refund.  I just keep wondering why.  am I never to make it to France?  is it for later?  I don't know and I'm confused, but I wonder what this will mean.

last summer, I was going to take five summer classes at Western, but none that I needed were open.  so I started looking around and went to England instead.  and I truly believe God was glorified in that, and that I was meant to go, debt now or no.  things are going to work out, somehow.  and I'm trying to be patient, but honestly, I've cried a lot.  and I am so very thankful for the people in my life who remind me of God's plan, God's providence.  I kind of miss Westminster already.

I'm done.  I am still not quite convinced that I'm free and clear, somehow, so if someone could give me something to do (or a job), I'd be forever grateful.  starting with, could anyone give me a list of their must-reads?  I'm serious.

p.s. per Courtney's immediate comment, I reserve the right to refuse some of the books.

my mom scanned the letter (written in French) for me.  it says that "in spite of" the quality of my application, they regret that they can't give me the job, but that I've been put on a list in case anyone turns down their post, and I will "obviously" be able to reapply next year.  that's positive, right?  I do wonder if it's because I applied so late.

and I heard a few times that God had something bigger for me this year, and I might not even know it.  you know what?  I think this is true.  this blows a lot, mind you, and I've been waiting and planning for something that is not going to happen, but the letter makes me feel better, and I've already started thinking.  at this moment, already, I can think of two very big reasons why God would not want me to go.

I have no immediate plans.  this is scary.

I'm not going to France.